


Macho man

by millygal



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 17:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10644372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal
Summary: Sam's already fragile mind is gonna walk right out on him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Crack...crackmccrackcraketycrack.

Ok, Ray's been missing for days and no one seems to care. Not even Chris and Sam's pretty sure they've been shagging since well before he came on the scene. The Guv hasn't complained once about him missing work, or more importantly missing time in the pub.

Something's off, something's definitely fishy and Sam's gonna get to the bottom of it if it's the last thing he does. He can't stand the fact that there's obviously something going down and he's not a part of it. He's always a part of it.

Chris's been spending an inordinate amount of time in the Guv's office and Sam's positive that it's to do with Ray's absence.

Ok, yes, Sam is a nosy busy body but he can't help it. It's in his nature and if he'd been born a woman, he'd have been a curtain twitcher. Not the manliest of pass times though so he has to indulge in the no less sneaky by slightly more masculine task of listening at keyholes.

Yesterday he caught just enough of the Guv and Chris's conversation to ascertain that Ray's working under cover and he's gonna be for some time.

The question is where and why and how? Ray's not exactly inconspicuous. He's a macho man through and through. Sticks out like a sore thumb everywhere he goes, so where in the hell could he manage to get away with slinking about as another person?

Sam's determined to find out and has decided to go for the weakest link. Chris. He's far too easy to read and he's even easier to break. A couple of well placed words and he'll be singing like a canary. Only problem is, he hasn't been able to get Chris on his own for days. He's always hanging round Gene or in a group of guys and Sam's not willing to risk life and limb diving in amongst a bunch of 70's Neanderthals for a fact finding mission.

Finally, after three days of being surrounded by people, Sam spots Chris sat on his own in the canteen, staring blankly into a cup of congealing coffee.

Stepping lightly, Sam sneaks up behind Chris and lays a hand on his shoulder, "Argh"

Chris jumps, almost spilling his drink, and turns accusing eyes on Sam, "Fuckin' 'ell boss, tryin' to give me a heart attack or what?"

Sam moves round the table, slides himself into a seat and leans forward far enough to get into Chris's personal space. That always puts him off his stride. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you"

"Startle me, you friggin' near killed me"

Sam chuckles, smiles apologetically then goes in for the kill, "So, where's the moustachio'd one then?"

Chris's eyes widen but he doesn't say anything, not until Sam's pressing close enough for Chris to smell his leather jacket.

"Wh...what?"

"You know, your partner in crime. Ray, where is he?"

"He's...uh he's, gone to visit relatives"

"Relatives, really? That why you've been in and out of the Guv's office like a slag on a bungee rope, is it?"

Chris is looking anywhere but at his boss and Sam can see the cogs whirring, trying to figure out exactly what to say without dropping himself, or Ray, in the shit.

"Yea, yea, relatives, up in..."

"What's going on Chris?"

"Dunno what you mean"

"Look, any other time Ray disappears, you worry like an old woman and Gene doesn't stop nagging about skiving little toerags. How come your comfy with his absence all of a sudden?"

"It's, it's not...bugger"

"Indeed. Come of Christopher, spill the beans. What's going on?"

Chris looks around, checking to see if there's anyone near enough to overhear them. When he's satisfied the coast's clear, he leans in even closer to Sam, "The Guv'll 'ave my hide"

"Not if we don't tell him I know now out with it"

"He's gone undercover"

"Ha. I knew it!"

"Shhhh for fuck sake"

"Sorry but...what..I mean where, why?"

Chris sighs, shakes his head and looks at his hands, "Biker bar on South strip"

Sam's eyes go so wide, Chris thinks they might just 'pop' out his skull. So, DI Tyler's heard about the place, huh? Good, least it isn't just him that thinks the place should be bulldozed. Especially seen as Ray's currently playing 'hard man' with a bunch of actual hard men.

Chris's been worrying himself sick at night, thinking what might be going on and now he's told Sam, he suddenly feels a whole lot better about it.

Sam's mouth is hanging open, giving Chris a great view of his tonsils.

"Why?"

Off Chris's confused look, Sam spells it out for him, "Why is Ray undercover in the roughest bar in Manchester?"

"Oh right, 'cos the Guv said he'd be the only one could pull off the act"

"Why wasn't I told ab..."

"Guv thought you'd be a 'picky pain in his arse' as he put it and you'd nose in, ruin the whole thing"

Sam feels a little more hurt than he'd like at that explanation but says nothing.

"Shit boss, I 'aven't 'eard or seen Ray in days. No one 'as. What if....what if somethin's 'appened like, an' he's stuck somewhere, can't call for 'elp?"

For the first time Sam really looks at Chris and can see dark circles ringing his eyes, lines on his face he didn't have a week ago. This's been really playing on him and he's had no one to talk to. As much as Sam confides in Gene, he's worse than useless at listening to peoples problems. The only reason Sam gets anywhere is he's a stubborn git and refuses to shut up until he's acknowledged.

Letting his hand rest on Chris's arm, Sam gives it a quick squeeze, offering what little comfort he can. Ok, he might not like the brash arsehole but Chris is obviously pretty taken with him and he'd hate to think what he'd be like if it was him and Gene in this situation.

"What about, ok, hear me out yea, what about we go to this bar. See if we can't spot Ray?"

*

*

*

Chris'd been quick enough to cave in when Sam'd started on about Ray in a club full of men with mean streaks. So now they're sat in Chris's beat up old Morris Minor, across the street from 'Mean Machines'.

Sam's got a pair of binoculars and he's scoping the place out, seeing if he can spot their erstwhile DS while Chris keeps ducking everytime someone rides past on their 'hog'. Sam's about to give Chris a slap and tell him to belt up when he feels a hand latch onto his arm, fingers squeezing hard enough to pop joints.

"Bu...bu...nrgh"

Sam follows the direction of Chris's flailing arm and sees a gruff looking dude sat astride a Harley, wearing full leathers and a black peaked cap. Sam doesn't understand what's got Chris so twitchy at first, then he takes a closer look, peers through the binoculars and almost dies.

It's Ray, my God it's Ray. He looks eerily comfy sat on a massive bloody bike and even Sam has to admit it is a beautiful piece of kit. All chrome and deep red metallic paint. It's not the machine that's got Sam's brain doing back flips, it's Ray himself. He looks so familiar, reminds Sam of something or someone but he can't quite place the errant memory. Not until Ray twists slightly, hooks his fingers in the waist band of his trousers does Sam realize **exactly** who he looks like.

Chris's still drooling over Ray in tight fitting black leather when he's deafened by Sam bursting out into fits of raucous laughter. He's got no clue what the DI finds so funny but he's in danger of uncovering their position so Chris turns the key in the ignition and guns the engine. Peeling away, he's vaguely aware of Ray spinning, almost falling off the bike and staring open mouthed at a very familiar car.

Chris's just squealing round the corner when Sam literally collapses on him, tears of glee rolling down his cheeks.

Oh, oh god, Ray...shit Ray. The leather and the cap and the bike and, and the **moustache**...Ray's a village person!!!!

That's who Ray'd reminded him of. In fact, wasn't the bloke called Ray? 

Sam can see in his minds eye, the guy in leathers with chains wrapped over his chest dancing to YMCA and suddenly it's their Ray's face on his body and he's doing the funky chicken and Sam's brain's gonna implode but he can't...stop...laughing.

Chris is in danger of crashing the car if Sam doesn't stop rolling around in the seat next to him but he doesn't look like he's gonna stop anytime soon and Chris is still completely baffled as to why he's laughing so hard. He can hear Sam hiccoughing and blowing snot out his nose and he tries to ask what's so amusing but is cut off by Sam thumping the dash and squealing like a girl.

What, seriously, what's so funny about Ray on a bike? He found it a total turn on, not so much hot as scorching. What exactly Sam's got to laugh about he doesn't know. Especially seen as Chris's trousers have got so tight they're cutting off circulation to vital organs.

Sam's lungs are threatening to give up the ghost but he can't get himself under control. The sight of Ray looking like he should be on stage in Queens has sent him off into a world only he understands and the confounded look on Chris's face isn't helping matters.

He takes a deep breath, tries to speak and ends up in fits again as the Ray in his mind does a little shimmy and twirl. ShitFuckBollocks....So damned hilarious.

Finally, after Chris's pulled up outside the 'Arms and killed the engine, he looks at Sam and asks, rather more loudly than is necessary, " **What!** "

Sam wipes his eyes, holds his sides and stares at Chris. When Chris flicks a 'brow at him, it sends him off again and he's hopelessly lost to the pictures of Ray doing the YMCA in his head.

Chris eventually gives in and flounces out the car, heading for the pub with Sam still giggling and snorting behind him.

*

*

*

Two hours, six shots of whiskey, numerous glares from Chris and Sam's still giggling like an idiot.

Gene's given up trying to get out of either of them what's so funny and has gone back to his game of darts. 

Sam's about to go and get himself another drink when the lights in the pub dim, leaving a single beam of brightness in front of the bar. Laughter finally gone, Sam spins on the spot, checks to see who else has noticed the little problem with the electrics.

That's when he notices, there's no one else there. They've all disappeared and he's completely alone. Him and a spotlight. Him, a spotlight and the quiet strains of a tune coming from somewhere he can't discern.

It's hard to tell but he can definitely make out a tune, something he's heard before. It's certainly nothing they'd be playing in the 'Arms. Great, he's hallucinating again. That's all he needs.

The beginning riffs of 'In the navy' come crashing through the air and Sam almost falls off his feet. 

No, no sodding way!

He's just contemplating screaming when Gene, dressed in a cowboy outfit, Chris, in full navel uniform and Ray covered from head to toe in leather come bounding in, stage left.

They don't seem to be aware he's even there. They're doing a cancan type move and spinning on the spot and Sam feels the laughter pushing it's way up his throat once again. Too much, it's too much. He's gone insane, totally fucking insane. It's the only explanation.  
 _  
In the navy,  
_ _Yes you can, sail the seven seas_

Ray takes Chris in his arms and dips him over one leather clad knee.  
 _  
In the navy,  
_ _Yes you can put your mind at ease_

Gene hooks his arms over the other's shoulders and they start doing joined starfish jumps.  
  
 _In the navy,_  
 _Come on now, people make a stand_

Gene's suddenly got his hands on Ray's hips and they're swinging to and fro, dirty dancing style.

At this point, Sam's mind's gone on permanent sabbatical and he's collapsed in a heap on the floor, beating his fists either side of his crossed legs.

The song finishes, Gene, Chris and Ray all bow and the lights come back up. Pub noises filter through, slowly, and Sam's stood swaying half way between his seat and the bar.

He shakes himself, lurches towards the bar, clings on so as not to fall on his backside and asks for a double.

Nelson gives him a strange look then goes to get his order. By the time he sits himself down at the table, he's humming 'In the navy' under his breath. After the first swig of his newly acquired drink, he's full out singing and Chris's looking at him like he's lost his mind.

"Ray was in the navy"

And that's the exact moment that Sam manages to fall right out of his chair.


End file.
